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PS 3503 
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1903 
Copy 1 



THE MULLAH OF MIASMIA 



BY 



Maxwell Struthers Burt 



SMt. 



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CHARACTERS. 



Abel Ben Sad, 



Called the "Mad Mullah of 
Miasmia." 
Awfuli Sad, his son, Product of American education, 

Lieut. John Gatacre, U. S. M. C. Whose ship is at Aden. 



Professor Dodlebat, 
Dr. Henglecooper, 
Twiggs Van Twiddicum, 



Waters, 

Muley Munchener, 

Violet, 

Doris Dodlebat, 

Mrs. Horatio Sponge, 



Ethel, 

Iris, 

Lotus, 

Mary McClam, 

Jessie, the Giantess, 
Mame the Brute, 



Eminent bugologist. 

Of Higholdbug University. 

Of Newport and New York; 
unofficially attached to the 
" Dodlebat Arabian Expedi- 
tion." 

His Man. 

Grand Vizier of Miasmia. 

A Desert Flower. 

The Professor's Daughter, 

Her Chaperone, with leanings 
towards Spiritualism and 
love. 

Ward of the Mullah, betrothed 
at an early age to Awfuli. 

[ Chief Wives of the Mullah. 

Another wife of the Mullah, the 

tallest of her tribe. 
A gastromaniac. 



Camel Drivers, Arabs, Desert Women, Soldiers, 
and Wives of the Mullah. 

Time — The Present. 



Scene — The Arabian Desert some hundreds of miles 
North of Aden. 



ACT I. 

Scene : Curtain rises on oasis. Back flat is stretch of 
desert, — ruins in foreground, river in background — at right (rear) 
stone well, (Practical) — at rear centre single palm built down 
from last top drop, — front, (left), extension of tent, — yellow stage 
cloth — back flat fitted with moon to be used in end of act. 

1. (Opening Chorus, — Camel men and Washerwomen), — 
"Arab Men of Might Are We ! " 

(Enter Waters and Mrs. Sponge), Trio, — "The Valet and 
the Chaperone ! " 

W. (sarcastic). " Busy h'as th' little bees ! " 

Cho. (salaaming). " In truth 0' Excellency." 

W. " Ave yez laid th' tents ? " 

Cho. " We have 0' Excellency." 

W. " Good, lay em h'again,— this 'ate 'ull 'atch h'anything ! " 

(Exit Cho. R. with gestures of dispair). 

Mrs. S. (aside). "Oh my! Oh Dear! All alone in the 
desert with a man. I wonder if I'm looking well? (Aloud) 
Ah ! What calm dignity is yours under these adverse circum- 
stances ! Beneath your servant's garb I see beating the heart of 
a man ! " 

W. (examining waistcoat anxiously). " H'am H'l h'ex- 
posed, mum ? " 

Mrs. S. (aside). " How clever ! (Aloud) Ah no ! I 
meant to say, after these weeks of heat, in which I reared in 
the rarefied atmosphere of High Spire, Pennsylvania, and left at 
an early age a widow, a tender widow by Alonzo my dear Con- 
sort, have been dragged hither and thither with this expedition 
in pursuit of the Rangadodle, an extinct bird forsooth and you, 
against your will, have followed your love sick master, who pur- 
sues the cruel child I chaperone, I meant to say how dignified, 
how calm your deportment still is." 

W. (bowing). Ha ! Mum yer words h'is h'olive h'oil h'on 
th' mayonaiso dressin h'of mo bustin' 'cart." 

Mrs. S. (aside). " Polished, educated, refined (Aloud) yes, 
yes, this is no place for us — and what pleasure, say I, can there 
be in liunting bugs and birds." 

W. " Birds h'is h'awful mum, h'as favver said, 'e h'as was 



h'own gintlemin to 'is Grace h'of Farmington — Robert 'e says, 
'ave a fondness for birds, but for 'eavens sake don't go h'on h'a 
lark and h'if this h'aint h'a lark h'o, h'if this h'aint h'a lark." 

Mrs. S. (aside). " Another clever thing. The more I see 
of him the more I think he must have the true belief. I'll ques- 
tion him. (Aloud.) Fond of spirits, Mr. Waters ? 

W., (dignified.) "H'only h'a nip, mum, and that when 
h'I'm faint like." 

Mrs. S. (aside.) Pretty play on words (aloud) No ! No ! I 
meant real spirits. Sit down, Mr. Waters, sit down." 

(Noise in R. — enter Dr. H. on back of camel (Violet.) 
Camel stops suddenly, Dr. H. half falls, half slides from her 
back — In one hand is a magnifying glass, in the other a butterfly 
net — He runs across stage as if in pursuit of something, stumbles 
and falls — arising). 

(During this conversation the camel is standing with crossed 
legs, whenever on the stage she is scratching her head with her 
hoolet.") 

Dr. H. " How de do. How de do." 

W. (sotto voce). " H'our sacred confidences is h'inter- 
rupted mum, — h'anon." (Exit L.) 

Mrs. S. (looking indignantly at Dr. H.) " The idea I " 
(Exit L.) 

Dr. H. " A voman vich I hated, (Beckoning to wings) 
"Come quivck unt led us see vhat has eggscoped yet? Ett 
fined avay." 

(Enter 2 L. E. Professor Dodlebat, armed like Dr. H. They 
whisper a moment). 

Dr. H. " She vas a boug so long, mit a purple chist unt 
legs like a katy-did ! " 

Prof. D. " Clumsy — er immoderately — clumsy, — ! " 

Dr. H. " My gootness, no. She vas as light as der modtren 
nofel ! " 

Pro. D. " You I mean, sir; you, hem, haw! " 

Dr. H. " Ain't he got der speech like der Johnnie ass ! " 

Pro. D. " How can we ever have the expectation to obtain 
specimens of singular species with you, a polyglot of blun- 
ders ! " 

Dr. H. " Pooh ! Pooh ! When you speak such to me I 
laugh out rightd mit der corner of my moud." 

Pro. D. " This' expedition, thought of years, is destined to 
unmitigated di8ai)pointment." 



Dr. H. Cheer ub, Dodles ; all der bugs int der vorld aint 
deadt yet." 

2. (Down stage.) Duet, " The Bug Hunters." 

(Violet down stage — listens during song and executes clog 
— retires to back of stage and grazes). 

Dr. H. '^ Violet!" 

Pro. D. "Violet?" 

Dr. H. " Sure, der dear child vas heare but a liddle vhile 
gone. Violet ! Violet ! " I gived her der name dis morning 
alreaty she refuses to come when I call ; she is veil trained. 

(The camel placidly grazes). " Violet ! " 

(Camel raises head and snorts derisively). 

Dr. H. (After reflection). " Violet, I vill give you a new 
ponnet vrom Vanamaker's ! " (Violet gallops down stage). 
" Ain't she der vornan ! " 

Prof. D. " My dear, sir — might I ask, er — why you saw 
fit, er, to designate this er brute (Violet snaps at him) by the 
name of, hem, haw — the dainty little vernal flower ? " 

Dr. H. "Vhy?" 

Prof. D. "Er, yes; why?" 

Dr. H. " She iss named Violet pecause she has der pink eye." 

Pro. D, " Sirrah, you insult my intelligence ! " 

Dr. H. " Un den I beg etts pardon ! " 

Pro. D. " Does it — hem — haw — appeal to your sub con- 
ciousness er — that you might more preferably employ your 
time — er — hunting the Rangododle, than training a knock- 
limbed, ochrecolored, cross-eyed, female camel ! " 

Dr. H. " Bid at heem Violet ! " " Bid at heem ! " " He 
says you vas no lady, un dot you diden't vear a straight front." 
(Violet attacks Prof D. viciously). 

Prof. D. " How dare, hem, haw, — outrage— er — er help I 
Help ! " 

(Enter Hadji L.) 

Pro. D. " Kindly remove this ubitiquous female to the ex- 
treme rear of our camping place and make her assume a reclin- 
ing position," 

(Exit H. leading V. L.) 

Pro. D. " Forgiven air, but not forgotten ! " " My Christian 
magnanimity, hem — haw— will considerthe incident closed — you 
can go home for two weeks ! " " There is now a matter of great 
importance I must disclose to you." 



Dr. H. " Oh, Doddles, you iss not engagement again iss 
yum ? " 

Pro. D. " Hoity, toity, sir ! You elect to be facetious." 
" Hadji, our head camel man, says — er — the Mad Mullah of 
Miasmia is in the vicinity with a war party ! " 

Dr. H. (slowly) " Der Mad Mullah of Miasmia ? " " Und 
gracious, vhat iss dot ? " 

Pro. D. "A neighboring Chief." 

Dr. H. " Chief of Bolice ? " " Let us ged out ! Dodles." 

Pro. D. " And desist in the search for the Rangadodle ? " 
" Never sir ! " Besides, our funds are running low — hem, — haw. 

(Takes a few coppers from pocket). 

Dr. H. " My gootness you vas a Mrs. Pierpont Morgan — 
bud Dodles berhops I haf a vife unt fourteen little vones." 

Pro. D. " Er — , — your domestic arrangements do not 
interest me, sir ! " 

Dr. H. " Ett vas not an arrangement, Dodles, I vas married 
already yed pefore I knew it ! " 

Pro. D. " We will fight to the death, and— " 

Dr. H. " Und vhen ve're dead, veil, veil, I just suppose 
ve'll fight like— " 

(Pro. D. utters exclamation and dropping on hands and 
knees, begins to crawl around, peering at floor through glass). 

Dr. H. " Ha — I vill follow unt see if he discovers nod- 
ding!" 

(Suits action to words. Exeunt rapidly, 2 R. E.) 

(Enter L. Doris, followed by Waters supporting Van Twid- 
dicums ; and chorus of camel men.) 

3. " Pursued ! " (Doris, Waters, Twiddicums, and chorus). 

Van. T. " I'm the horde, and-that's all." " Doris, I love 
you I " 

Doris. " Don't be foolish, Twiggs 1 " 

Van. T. (rapidly). " Love you, love you, love you ! " 

Doris. " I thought you promised you wouldn't do this." 

Van T. " Have to, — doctor says mild excitement every 
day." 

Doris. " Twiggs, if you don't behave, you'll have to go 
back to Aden — you can't follow this expedition or me around 
any more I " "I wonder where dad and Dr. Henglecooper can 
be 1 " " They've missed their luncheon and now it's almost time 
for tifhn I " " Have you seen tliem Waters ? " 



W. " Th' last h'l seen o'im my loidy, h'beggin h'of your 
pardin, h'a camel was h'a bitin of his face, mum." 

Van T. " Bad taste camels have, fawncy ! " 

(Waters leads Van T. to foot of palms, fanning him with 
a handkerchief) 

(Exeunt chorus). 

(Dr. H. crawls rapidly in from R. followed by Pro. D. They 
crawl around stage). 

Doris. " Oh, Dad, how's your face ? " 

Dr. H. " Ett vas gettin on as veil as could pe egspected, 
vich ain't too splentid yet ! " 

Doris. " I was speaking to Father, Dr. Henglecooper." 

Dr. H. Annoder voman vich I hated ! " 

Van T. " Ouch ! ! ! (all gather round). 

VanT. "Ouch! Oh! Ouch!" 

Dr. H. " Heafens ! I vonder vhat's der madder mit der 
liddle punch of cabbage ! " 

Doris. " What is it? What is it ? Quick, tell me? " 

Van T. (feebly). " Letter — back pocket — hurts — Ouch I 
Oh! Ouch!" 

(W. extracts thin letter from hip pocket). 

Van T. (relieved). " Ah ! And— that's all— ! " 

Dr. H. (aside). " Ett iss a lofe ledder und burns him I " 

Doris. " Oh, Twiggs ! How you scared me, I thought you'd 
lost one of your jewels ! " 

Van T. " Fawncy ! " 

Doris. " Aren't you feeling well, Twiggs ? " 

VanT. (with momentary animation). " Oh, I don't know, 
why should I ? Ask Waters, — he knows 1 " 

Doris. " How is he, Waters ? " 

W. " Bad, mum, bad. E's 'ad the creeps 'orrible, 'e dreamt 
last night 'e 'ad to work, and woke up screemin' fearful I " 

(Enters Mrs. S. L. in great bustle of excitement). 

Mrs. S. " My dears, my dears, I have discovered a soul I " 

Doris. " It must be a fried sole in this heat 1 " 

Mrs. S. " I was descending. The camel regarded me 
fixedly." 

Dr. H. " He haf a hunger vor her vig ! " 

Mrs. S. " I looked into his eyes. I looked again. He 
winked (in sad voice) I recognized the wink of dear, dead cousin 
Claude ! " 



Dr. H. " Ett sure vas Violet ! " 

Dor. (acridly.) " Don't you know, Mrs. Sponge, that spirits 
are very bad in warm climates ? " 

Mrs. S. (with little shriek.) " Brute ! Brutal child ! " 

(Dr. H. suddenly drops to floor and searches, followed by 
Pro. D.) 

Dor. " Will you stop hunting bugs, dad ! " 

Pro. D. '' The Rangadodle ! Ah, the Rangadodle ! " 

Dr. H. " Unt der bougs — Ah, der bougs ! " (Exeunt L.) 

Dor. " I should think this sun would calm your emotions, 
Mrs. Sponge, I'm slowly frying ! " 

Mrs. S. " True — true, it destroys the blooming bud of 
romance in my soul ! " "I thought to find a paladin out here 
with cheek of burnished copper, but ! " 

Dor. "But what?" 

Mrs. L. "Ah, nothing, nothing child, you cannot under- 
stand the workings of my complex soul ! " " Alonzo alone 
understood me ! " 

Van T. (in background.) " Fawncy, clevah mechanic ! I 
say, ye know, dreadfully dormousie ! " 

Mrs. S. (going up stage with Doris.) " Come, Waters, 
guide my faltering steps." " I would weep a weep for the dear 
departed I " 

Van T. (complainingly.) " Take away from me I " 

Mrs. S. " Coward, coward ; would you remove the sole 
support of a weak woman ? " 

W. (sotto voce) . " Sole support ? Hi wonder hif this his 
halimony ! " 

(Exeunt Mrs. S. and Waters, 3 R E.). 

Dor. " Goodbye, Honoria ; be careful of that complex 
soul; I once knew a young lady whom it got into trouble." 

4. " The Lady with the Complex Soul." 

Van T. " I say, ye know, dreadfully dormousie I " 

Dor. "Dormousie?" 

Van T. " Yes ; a little thing just invented — means tired — 
half French dormeuse, sleep a little ; half English dormouse^ 
sleep all the time— wish I could. Cleveah ! " 

Dor. "Is Tiddicums' tootsies tired or Tiddicums' head? 
Tiddicums, come with me and get brandy and soda." 

Van T. (arising). " Ah 1 " (Exiting on D. arm L.). 

Van T. " Fawncy a place without carnations ! " 



8 

Dor. "CarnationSj Twiddicums ? What in the world 
would you do with them ? " 

Van T. " Eat 'em glaced ; keeps stomach in the pink of 
condition." (Exeunt). 

(Camel, men and women rush on R. and L., singing) 

5. " Make Haste, Make Haste, We Are Pursued ! " 

(Great excitement ; in the midst of song Dr. H. crawls from 
under tent flap, followed by Violet, walks into the midst of the 
crowd). 

Dr. H. " Und den keep quiet." 

(Chorus subsides). 

Dr. H. " Veil ! vhat in der gracious has happened to you ? " 

Cho. " 0, Excellency, the Mullah is on our outskirts." 

Dr. H. " Veil, vhere do you vant him ? Ont your under- 
skirts ? " 

Cho. " He has a horde of fifty thousand men. Woe to us ! 
Woe to us ! " 

(Dr. Henglecooper strides forward in Napoleonic manner, 
followed by Violet). 

Cho. "Woe! Woe!" 

Dr. H. (angrily). "Vat you tink I am, a horse? Ihafa 
blan vich ve vill pud into operation ; you vill make yourself 
into a circle, und then I vill creep inside. Don't cheer, poys ; 
der poor defils iss dying ! " 

(He walks into the middle of chorus; Violet placidly 
grazes). 

Dr. H. " Violet, vill you come or vill you stay dere und die 
vor me like a true voman, yes ? " 

(Violet gallops to his side). 

Dr. H. "Violet, eff you iss caught dey vill chop you op 
und make you into Egyptian cigaroots." 

(Violet faints). 

Dr. H. " Vater ! Vater ! Oh, how pale she iss ! " (Violet 
struggles to feet). " Iss der kinetes — copenment reatty? Den 
b re pare to fight! " 

(Chorus begins to lament. Sound of camel bells and great 
noise without R. Enter Arabs, pushing back camel drivers 
and women, who fall on their knees). 

5 Con. " I Am the Mullah of Miasmia ! " 

(Enter the Mullah and Ithol, followed by Iris, Lotus, Mary 
and bodyguard of four black men. The wives of the Mullah 
bring up the rear. Mullah sings trio i)art of march). 



I 



9 

Mullah. " Allah is great, Mahomet is his prophet, I see we 
ear forestalled ! " (To slaves) " Go fetch me the people from 
those tents ! " (Exit four blacks.) 

(Dr. H., followed by Violet, makes a rush for the well and 
tries to climb down). 

Mullah. " Ah, sieze him! " 

(The four blacks capture the Dr. and Violet). 

Mullah. " By the beard of the prophet, a strang-faced 
dog!" 

Dr. H. (trembling) " I yonder vot makes me so fierce ? " 
(makes passes with his hand at the Mullah, who starts back.) 

Mullah. " What ! " Another plot against my life ! " 

Dr. H. " I was cheering ad you in deaf and dumb, how 
didt I know vhat you spoke English ? " Dis iss Ra — ah — 
Ra — ah — Ra — ah— der Mullah off Miasmia 1 " 

Mullah. " Ah, a friend I see ! " " Hist, come close I (Sotto 
voce) Have you seen any plots ? " 

Dr. H. " Blots ? " 

Mullah. " Yes, among my wives ! " 

Dr. H. '* Sir, I nefer look for blots in anodder man's 
wives ! " " You haf insult der feelings of a German Gerfunden- 
snock ! " 

Mullah. "But — err — my dear sir, unintentionally— and 
what is a Ger — ger — er — ? " 

Dr. H. " Ett is translate literal, a high-minded, gentleman, 
vhat never— tinks — efil — off — anyone, — except — vhen — he — oc- 
casionally — vants — to, and — den — only — pecause — " 

Mullah. Ah, I see. Hush ! speak low ! They plot against 
me all the time. (Indicating his wives), they want to marry 
Muley." 

Dr. H. " Muley ? vhats he a horse ? " 

Mullah. " My Crown Vizier. He feeds them sweets." 

Dr. H. " VeU, vhy don't you ? " 

Mullah. " What ! And candy at a dollar eighty-five cents 
a pound I " 

(Enter blacks, L., escorting Pro. D., Von T., Waters, Doris, 
and Mrs. S., who are exhibiting great signs of terror). 

Pro. D. " Er — hem — haw — may I, 
Von T. " Fawncy ! " 
Waters. " 'Ere Un and me ! " 
Doris. " I won't ; that's all, now I " 
Mrs. S. " Alonzo ! Alonzo ! " 






All at once. 



10 

Mullah. " Peace ! Peace ! Why, this is worse than home 
on a quiet day ! I come not for war, friends, but to meet my 
son, who returns after four long, weary years at an American 
College — is he here? " 

Dr. H. (aside). " By chiminey, my chance ! (Sidling up). 
I'm isum ?" 

Mullah, (indignantly). "Dog!" 

Dr. H. (to Pro. D.). " Dodles, he vas speaking to you ! 
Bark for de gentleman ! " 

Mullah. " No doubt my son will be here shortly — we will 
pitch our tent next yours, but first — er — permit me — my little 
wives, dear little wives (aside) Ger-r-treacherous snakes; this 
is Lotus, she's such a geranium ; this is Iris ; and this, little 
Mary McClam ! " 

Dr. H. Ha! I haf an olif in my poget for her." 

(Hands olive to Mary, who bobs thanks). 

Mullah. " And this is my foster-daughter, Ithel — the apple 
of my eye. She has been betrothed to my son since her 
eleventh year. To-morrow, the day after his return, she mar- 
ries him. Would you like to see what I give them for a wed- 
ding present ? " 

Chorus of Women. " Oh ! please do." 

Mullah. " Very good. Muley Munchener ! " 

(Muley steps forward). 

Dr. H. " Munchener ; vhat a swveet name ! " 

Mullah. " Show them the great Sad Diamond, Muley." 

(Muley takes tremendous diamond from pocket and holds 
it up to light). 

Pro. D. "The first water!" 

Dr. H. (falling). " Vater ! My goodness, an artesian 
veil ! " 

Doris. " Ah, what a gorgeous thing ! " 

Mullah, (calmly). " I'll give you one like it, moon-eyed 
maid. I'll marry you to-morrow — er — let me see (takes out 
note-book), at eleven — I have to marry the daughter of a very 
old friend at ten, otherwise " 

Doris. " Why, you silly old man 1 " 

Dr. H. " Ain't she de mocking-burd ? " 

Mullah. " Silly old man ? Well, now, wouldn't that make 
you frantic ? " 

Mrs. S. (stepping forward). " Are you the Mad Mullah of 
Miasmia ? " 



11 

Mullah, (looks intently at her, then suddenly to crowd). 
" Good-bye ! " 

(Exit all but Doris, the wives and slaves ; to Mrs. S.) : 

Yes, I am ; but I can be tamed ; Jennie tamed me." 

Mrs. S. " Jennie ? " 

Mullah. " My fifty-fifth wife ! " 

Mrs. S. " Goodness ! " 

Mullah. " Yes, she was goodness itself! Had to bowstring 
her, though. Got old and cross. Poor Jennie ! " 

Mrs. S. " But you're not a fierce looking old man." 

Mullah (indignantly). "Who said I was?" (Suddenly 
facing on crowd) " Grr-r-r ! " 

(Chorus falls back in terror). 

Mullah, (sotto voce). " Sh ! I have to do it ! " 

Mrs. S. "Do what?" 

Mullah. " Grr- et 'em — keeps 'em afraid of me — only thing 
that saves my life — they all hate me, you know. (Suddenly). 
Do you know I like your face, something sort of awfully grand 
about it." 

Mrs. S. (aside). " I wonder if that's a compliment — sounds 
like a guide book. 

Mullah. Let's stroll across the Weber and Field's and see 
the Hay-man at his work." 

Mrs. S. "I won't, but Edna May." 

Mullah. " Where do you come from ? " 

Mrs. S. " Highspire." 

Mullah. " HI spy you ! Oh we must have our little jokes I 
Do you know we'd get on awfully well together I Come, Mother, 
let's walk, so like Jennie ! " 

Mrs. S. " Mother I Oh, but then he's so handsome, my 
paladin of burnished copper! (looking skyward) Alonzo deary, 
do you mind ? " (takes Mullah's arm). 

Mullah (nodding at wives). " Goodness, they'll be jealous, 
lady pigs,— so like Jennie ! " 

(Exeunt R.) 

Wives. " We will pursue ! " (Exeunt R.) 

(Doris left on stage.) 

Doris. "I think Honie's Gone for good this time!" "Oh, 
dear me 1 And what fate pursues me ! " " Here I've lived for 
twenty-five years (looks anxiously around). I wonder if they 
heard ? and never yet have I met the right man. Every one 



12 

that proposes to me so far has been such a fool ! Now there's 
Twiddicums, — he's followed me from New York, — and just then 
that silly old man. Really the Navy boy I saw twice in the 
hotel at Aden, looked like the only sensible person I've seen in 
three months. I wonder where he is now ? I would have liked 
to have met him. I suppose by this time he's in Java or Japan 
with his ship. I'm a perfect Newport, a gathering place for 
all the fools on the Continent." (Exit L.) 

(Enter R., Mrs. S. and the Mullah.) 

Mrs. S. " Do you think we've evaded them ? " 

Mullah. " Certainly ! Why we walked three times around 
that palm tree ! They can't possibly know where we are ! " 

Mrs. S. " How nice to be alone ! Alone with a kindred 
soul!" 

Mullah (aside). " The conversation is becoming personal ! " 
(aloud), "Yes, Jennie and I used to feel that way ! " 

Mrs. S. (pleadingly). " Mr. MuUah— ! " 

Mullah (putting arm around her waist). " Call me Bennie ! " 

(They sway back and forth) . 

Mrs. S. " Well, Bennie, promise me you won't talk so much 
about Jennie ! " 

Mullah. " Certainly, dimpled darling ! What shall we talk 
about?" 

Mrs. S. " Tell me about yourself, do your wives really plot 
against you ? " 

M. " Plot ! I should say they did ! Why only this morn- 
ing I found one of them putting Uneeda Strength Food in my 
breakfast ! You'd never plot against me, would you, Honie ? " 

Mrs. S. " Such a question stabs me to the heart ! " 

M. " Well, let's get married to-morrow then, er — (consults 
note book) shall I put you down for eleven ? That's still open. 
Good ! At two we'll bowstring Iris, Lotus, and Little Mary 
McClam ! " 

Mrs. S. " Why you cold-blooded wretch I Never would I 
consent to such a holocaust ! " 

M. " Very well, then, but you'll find 'em an awful bother 
about the house ! " 

Mrs. S. Before consenting, I must consult Alonzo ! To- 
night in the dark of the moon ! " 

Mullah. " Alonzo ! " 

Mrs. S. (shamefacedly.) " Yes, dovey, I forgot to tell you, 
little Honic has been married I " 



13 

Mullah. " Why that's all right, I'm a professional widower 
myself? " 

Mrs. S. " Oh, Bennie, ever since I was a little maid, I have 
dreamed of a man like you ! " 

M. " What a long, long dream." 

(Characteristic Duet) 6. " Long, Long Dreams ! " 

Mullah. " Let's talk of the wedding arrangements ! You 
will have a wreath of lotus flowers, and pink puppies ! " 

Mrs. S. " Puppies ? " 

Mullah. " Poppys, of course I mean poppys ! " 

Mrs. S. " No, I must run now and snatch a little nap ! " 

Mullah. " Oh, you cunning moth ! " But aren't you going 
to stay for the private view ? " 

Mrs. S. " The private view ! " 

Mullah. "Yes, a little idea of mine borrowed from an 
artist friend ! Every night at six I stand in some exposed place 
and — er — allow my subjects to look at me, and sing hymns of 
joy ! It gives them an art education free — I don't charge a 
cent — (singing without) there they come now ! " 

Mrs. S. " No, I'm too weary, some other night ! Meet me 
here at eight, then will I give you an answer. I will call 
Alonzo ! Ajeu, fond love, ajeu ! " 

(Exit L.). 

Mullah. " Well now, I wonder if she'd talk about me that 
way if I was dead ? Ah here they come ! I'm looking hand- 
some as usual, I daresay, medals on straight ! I'll have to buy 
myself a few more getting married again, heroism certainly 
deserves recognition ! " 

7. " March the Mullah of Miasmia — Exeunt omnes at end 
(rear). 

(Enter R., Dr. H., and Pro. D.) 

Dr. H. (cautiously). " Have dey vent ? " 

Pro. D. " You mean, have they gone ! " 

Dr. H. (angrily). " Veil den, is dey heare I Vich efer vay 
I tink you mean der opposite, so vhat's der use ? " 

Pro. D. " Er — what did you think of the wedding gift? 
haw ! " 

Dr. H. " Ett vas a berfect punch of lofiness I " 

Pro. D. "Er — its history the vizier just told us was inter- 
esting 1 " 

Dr. H. " I am not interested in der history, Dodles, I'm 
interested in der bresent! " 



14 

Pro. D. " You quibble, sir ! — er — as I told — er — you, — 
permit me to be vulgar — we are in a pretty pickle ! " 

Dr. H. (reflectively). " I lofe piggies ! " 

Pro. D. " Now — er — my idea is, as our eastern friend evi- 
dently values the jewel so little, as he displays it so carelessly, 
to — er — hem — to — er — hem — to borrow it for the time being in 
the interest of science ! " 

Dr. H. " Oh, Dodles, vhat a peautiful purglar you vould 
make ! " 

Pro. D. "What, sir!" 

Dr. H. " I vould gife you to my brodder — he iss a Chief of 
Bolice, und der finest purglar I haf evar met ! " 

Pro. D. " Enough — er — this will require work, but — as — er 
Pliny once said so beautifully — er — hem— of labor — in one of 
his splendid sunsets — there was a young man — er — hem—- of 
Dundreary, who of work was excessively weary, — so — er— hem 
— he said, after this, I will hunt out a miss, if— er — she's — er — 
hem — rich, I'll at once call her deary ! " 

Dr. H. " Oh, vhat's a lofly sentimental Dodles ! " 

Pro. D. " Cut that Dodles out ! " 

Dr. H. " AU right, Mr. Batty ! » 

(Down stage). 9. " A Desperate Fix We're In ! " 

Pro. D. " Now I will lay my plans ! " 

Dr. H. " Und I vill hatch 'em I " 

Pro. D. " Don't meddle, — (turns to go) Ignoramus I " 

Dr. H. " Vhat ? " 

Pro. D. " Ignoramus ! " 

Dr. H. (excitedly). " Vhere ? " 

Pro. D. " Look in the well, Ignoramus ! " 

Dr. H. " Look in der well ? Poor vellow, he haf der crazi- 
ness I " (Rushes to well and looks down) (in sad low tones) 
" He means Me — " (after thought) " Ha, vonce again haf der 
German Gerfundensnock been insult! I vill be revenge I Der 
diamond I vill stole, und he vill nefer knew vich took ett yet " 
(half skipping down stage) " oh skid-e-dee — oh skid-e-dee. Dats 
my vay ofi" being happy." (Tremendous explosion rear, Awfuli 
Sad slides on stage. Picks himself up and shakes fist at desert. 
Dr. H. approches gingerly as if stalking game. A. S. turns and 
glares fixedly at him.) 

Dr. H. " Goot efeninges, zur. 

(A. S. strangling.) 



15 

Dr. H. " Und vhot do dey gall you, plize ? 

A. S. " Bubble ! ! ! " 

Dr. H. " Meestar Bubble and vhere is your home? avay." 

A. S. "Bubble!!!" 

Dr. H. " Oe Meestar Bubble from Bubble vhat you came 
out heare pecause ? 

A. S. (frantically) '' Bubble ! ! ! " 

Dr. H. (angrilly). "Bouble! Boublel Bouble! Vhat you 
mean ? Eff you chortle mit me I slap you mit der flat off my 
foot int der face." 

A. S. "Bubble! Bubble! Bubble!" 

Dr. H. "Am I crazy ? I vender vhat makes me so angry ? " 

A. S. " Automobile ! Damn it." 

(Enter L. John Gatacre). " Oh here you are. Nice quiet 
little machine of yours Awfuli Hurt ? " " What's this row 
about?" 

" Dr. H. (indicating A. S.) " Who iss der chentleman mit 
der bunch off foolishness all ofer his face ? " 

A. S. " Why this beastly German Dodobird ! " 

Dr. H. (dignified.) " Mit me you address yourself as der 
burd?" 

J. G. " Say eagle, Awfuli, fine old German eagle ! " 

A. S. " Well, then, this fine old German eagle, met me 
when I landed, asked me silly questions, doncher know, mouth 
fiill of sand, so of course I couldn't answer ! " 

J. G. " Oh, I see ! " (turning to Dr. H.) and—" 

Dr. H. " How de do, zur ? und vhere iss your home? " 

J. G. "Ware." 

Dr. H. "Yas, vhere?" 

J. G. " That's it. Ware." 

Dr. H. " Of course it's it, vhere ? " 

J. G. " Screw loose, I guess, why I'm a lieutenant of Ma- 
rines, I'm not home very often ; but when I am my home's 
Ware." 

Dr. H. " Oh no, I'm der question, your de answer, und 
now vhere iss your home ? " 

J. G. " Ware. Ware. Massachusetts ! " 

Dr. H. '* How should I know where in Massachusetts ? 
Oh no, oh no, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy ! Now — now— (show- 
ing on finger) heare is I'm, und here is'n you, oh no, no, heare 
iss you und heare iss I'm." 



16 

J. G. " Oh, I'm the thumb, am I ? " 

Dr. H. " Yas, und dots etts youse der dumb ! Veil now 
you come around from heare und vhen I see you I say und, how 
de do zur und vhre haf you come frum, und you say from my 
home, und der name tell me jusm ! " 

J. G. " Poor old chap ! I suppose he's been out here for 
years, just wandering around this way ! " 

(Enter Doris 2 L. E., dragging along Mrs. S., who is attired 
in napping costume.) 

(Doris sees Gatacre, stops, starts, Gatacre also starts.) 

Doris. " I thought you had gone to — (recovers herself). 
"Doctor, what was that noise? I was wakened from my 
siesta ! " 

Dr. H. (briefly). " A craziness und a craziness keeper ! " 

(Exit L., looking at Awfrili). " He called me a burd ! " 

Mrs. S. (catches sight of men, remembers costume, and ut- 
tering despairing shriek, disappears under tent ilap). 

(Sounds from within tent.) 

Dr. H. " Ged out ! Ged out off my tent ! You vas a 
thief voman ! " 

Mrs. S. Wretch ! Impertinent wretch ! " 

(Noise subsides.) 

Gatacre. " Old chap a bit dotty ! " 

Doris. " Oh, no, he's a famous scientist ! " 

Gatacre. " Same thing ! But I beg your pardon — permit 
me to introduce ourselves — this is Prince Sad of Miasmia, a 
great friend of mine, — I am John Gatacre of the United States 
Marine Corps ! " 

Doris. "Oh, I know all about you, your father, Prince 
Sad, arrived about two hours ago, and gave us all a dreadful 
fright, not as bad a one as you did though, what was that noise ? 
Did I hear Auto-car? " 

J. G. "Oh, you see we made the run up from Aden in an 
auto, the Prince is awfully up-to-date. Worked beautifully 
until it saw one of those Arabian women and then it just broke 
right down. Awfuli landed on his face and I on my — er (feels 
seat of trousers) er — ray feet I " 

Doris. " Lucky you had on boots ! Come — I — will take 
you to your Father Prince Sad ! " (starts to go). 

Awfuli. " Jack — er — Jack ? " 

J. G. " Well ? " 



17 

Aw full. " Jack, I have waited for a girl like that for years ! \ 

J. G. (gloomily). " Go ahead, old chap, I won't stop you, 
— keep on waiting — you'll get a good position soon ! " 

Doris (to Gatacre). " And you ? " 

J. G. " Er — er — pardon me — I'm going to look for my 
scattered — wardrobe — I saw one leg of a bully pair of trousers 
back there ! " 

(Exeunt Doris and A. S. R.) 

J. G. (savagely). " I hope he chokes ! " 

(It is becoming dusk — Gatacre goes up stage to well. Enter 
Van. T. looking about). 

Van T. " Have you seen a lady pass ? " 

J. G. (sourly). " She wouldn't be a lady if she did ! " 

Van T. " Fawncy ! " 

(Exit L). 

J. G. "I wonder where that silly Juggins hopped on? 
Brother, father, no lover, that's it — two against you, Gatacre, and 
one's got a title — perhaps she's a Princess herself! To think 
that I should meet her here ! " The girl I saw in the hotel at 
Aden — I wonder if she remembers me-no, no such luck as that ! 
And she hasn't told me her name — mysterious maid of the mys- 
terious East ! " 

(The moon comes out). 

Song No. 10. (Gatacre solo). " Mysterious Maid of the 
Mysterious East ! " 

(Chorus accompaniment from behind wings. Moon gets 
brighter until stage is light as day.) 

(Enter Van T. R. in deep thought.) 

Van T. "Found 'em — lost 'em — walking with 'em, 
brown chap, fawncy ! Where could they have got to ? Doris — 
Miss Dodlebat, where are you ? " 

J. G. " Her name (softly) Doris — Dodlebat, how romantic I 

(Exit L.) 

Van T. " Waters I Waters ! " 

(Enter W., L. He is a trifle unsteady on his feet.) 

W. " Ere— hie— my Lady." 

Van T. " What are you doing. Waters ? Dancing the 
hornpipe ? " 

W. " H'lm a trifle faint sir — h'lve wobbly feet, sir, h'its 
'ereditary." 

Van T. " Oh, some of our best families have it ! Busy, 
Waters ? " 



18 

W. " No my — sir — h'l mean, sir — " 

Van T. "Very good! Walk three miles for me will you, 
Doctor ordered me to take exercise ! " 

(Exit Waters R.) 

Van T. " He's been drinking my very best ! He makes 
me tired— everyone makes me tired — ever been tired? No? 
I'll tell you all about it — let's begin ! " 

10. " Awfully bored ! " 

(Doris and Awfuli Sad stroll on R. and join in chorus.) 

Van T. " Oh, here you are ! Greetings ! How you 
feeling ? " 

A. S. " Mad, that's what I am ! " 

Van T. " Runs in the family, don't it ? " 

Doris. " Shall we sit on the well ? " 

VanT. " Oh, very well ! " 

A. S. " Ah, the moon is arising ! " 

Van T. " Foohsh moon ! " 

(Up stage to well and sit on coping, Doris between them). 

(Van T. back to A. S., Doris takes hand of each). 

A. S. " Umm ! " (Exclamation). 

VanT. "Umm! Umm!" 

Doris. " Intelligent." 

A. S. (looking over shoulder at Van T., in whisper) : " Not 
very, I think." 

Van T. " Doris, how long are you going to keep me wait- 
ing — pon soul, lost appetite — soon be eating angel food." 

Doris. " Now, Twiggs, I told you once for all I wouldn't 
marry you ; if I ever marry, it will be a title — some Marq-is, I 
fancy." 

Van T. " Probably first part of that." 

Doris. " I want to wear strawberry leaves." 

Van T. " How indecent ! " 

A. S. " Miss Dodlebat — Doris — I've got a beastly mixture, 
ye know, of American and Arabian love-making. My soul, 
too's, compounded of strange parts — mother and father ! " 

Doris. " I'm sure this is a receipt for a patent medicine." 

Van T. (gazing into space). " Clevah ! " 

A. S. " Father, you know, brave, impetuous, rougli, — 
Mother, father's twenty-fifth wife, timid, gentle, thoughtful. 
Father says, * I'll marry you.' Mother, will you or will you 
not?'" 



19 

Doris. " Good heavens ! Newport again ! " 

VanT. "Umm! Umm!" 

A. S. " You'll live on lotus flowers and star dust." 

Doris. " How unsubstantial ! " 

(A. S. turns back again, Van T. begins to rock gently for- 
ward and back in silence, all do. Suddenly they lose balance 
and Van T. and A. S. fall down well). 

Van T. (falling). And— that's all." 

Doris. " Help ! Help ! 0, dear, they're fighting down 
there. They'll drown ! Oh, he's got him by the necktie — now 
now he's got him by the hair. Oh dear, what shall I do ! " 

(Enter J. G. L.) 

J. G. " What's the matter ? Lost a hair pin ? " 

Doris (hysterically.) *' Quick ! oh, quick I " 

J. G. (calmly looking down well.) " Let 'em stay ! " 

Doris. "You brute! Help! Help!" 

(Dr. H. gallops on L. followed by Violet and Pro. D.) 

Dr. H. (attacking palm). "Heare iss it — quivck, I haf got 
heem by der suspenders." 

Doris. " No, here, here ! " 

Dr. H. "Vhere, vhere!" 

Doris. " In the well ! " 

Dr. H. " In der veil ! Vhat, lobsters and vatercress? " 

Doris. " No, men ! " 

Dr. H. " Men in der veil, men in der pipe-dream ! " 

Pro. D. (looking down well). "Er — heem — haw — I — er — 
suggest we send — er — to Aden for a ladder." 

J. G. (stooping down well). "Here, I have it! " 

(They form a line, Doris takes his coat-tail. Pro. D. her 
hand, Violet, his coat-tail, and Dr. H. her tail. They pull). 

Dr. H. " Der only vay — ett iss a far, far bedder ting, I do, 
vich I haf efer done, a far, far bedder, ent I holdt dan I haf 
efer heldt before ! " 

(A. S. and Van T. brought to surface). 

Dr. H. (leading away A. S. and Violet R.). " He has been 
vatered, now I vill curry heem." 

Van T. " Somebody ! Quick I " 

All. "Yes?" 

Van T. '• Screen ! " 

(J. G. rushes out and returns with small screen ; Van T. 
places it about him). 



20 

Van T. " And— that's all ! " 

(Exeunt Van T. and Pro. D., leaving Doris and J. G. on the 
stage). 

Doris, (hysterically). " Oh, I'm so nervous ! " 

J. G. " Don't be nervous, Miss Dodlebat ; it er — will only 
make you nervous, you know." 

(They walk rapidly up and down stage). 

J. G. (aside). " Gee ! This is bully exercise." 

Doris. " I — I thought they'd drown ! " 

J. G. " Oh, well, they may, some other time." 

Doris. " You — you don't understand me ! Oh, the night 
and all, it's theatrical. It isn't real." 

J. G. " Ah, don't say that — I hoped this life was true, and 
that I had left the theatre and all mention of it on far-off 
Broadway." 

11. (Duet). (Doris and Gatacre). " The Dramatic Stew." 

J. G. " Now, let's be serious ! " (Sentry in white crosses 
and re-crosses stage, back). " Do you know I saw you in the 
hotel at Aden ! " 

Doris (innocently). " Really ? " 

J. G. '• That was two weeks ago. It doesn't take long for 
a man to fall — " 

Doris (eagerly). " Yes ? " 

J. G. " Down a well, does it ? " 

Doris (mirthlessly). How very amusing your serious 
moments are ! " 

J. G. " Doris ! Wait, I'll start again ! " 

Doris. " Don't stop ! '' 

J. G. '' Well then, it's easy for a man to fall in love, isn't 
it?" 

Doris. "Ah, don't say that — don't say that — I can 
never — ! " 

J. G. (following her). " Why not, Doris ? " 

Doris. " Why, I haven't got any money." 

J. G. (cheerfully). " Oh, that's all right I Neither have I— 
we'll talk about how little we have I " 

(Proceeds to exit L. noise of gurgling R.) 

Doris. " Hushl Do you hear that noise? " 

J. G. "No!" 

Doris. " It must be my imagination, — there are so many 
strange things in the desert ! " 



21 

(Exeunt L., enter R. Waters, supported on all sides by four 
blacks). 

W. " Ere noWj 'andle H'of me — hie — 'andle rae gentle, — 
blime me h'lve got h'a prize package wid me ! (the blacks 
whisper to him) "where — hie? 'ave course in the centre, where 
h'i kin roll h'a bit ! " (they slide him down stage and he sits 
down with a bump) H'O ! (with great dignity) 'o was a laffin ? " 
Niv — (falls forward from waist) niv — 'ould me up, h'isent you h'a 
seeing whin I bind the word breaks in the med-med-middle — 
niv-nivir — drink — hie — h'irish whiskey h'on H'an EngHsh 
stomach ! Fight. Stop h'a shakin h'of me — would ye 'ave h'a 
gin sling ? " (silence). H'o H'it's H'amusin, h'its H'entertainin, 
h'its bloomin lafable ! " Faver, faver, 'e h'as was h'own gentle- 
man to — to — faver was never gentlemin, to nobody, 'e says, 
Robert, a speakin soft, Robert, 'ave a fondness fittin for birds, 
'ave a fondness for fittin birds, 'ere faver 'aint no bloomin' H'Eng- 
lish sparrow, — 'ave a fittin fondness for birds, but for 'eavens sake 
don't go h'on h'a lark ! (laughing) h'an h'if this h'ain't a lark ! 
H'O ! H'if this h'ain't a lark ! Me 'as 'as been in service twenty 
years (looking at black's hair) h'associatin wiv h'a bunch h'of 
Cucoo's nists ! Miny's th' — hie — miny th' — hie — (falls asleep). 

(The blacks lay him flat and steal gently out R. It becomes 
darker). 

(Enter rear R. Dr. H., in stealthy manner). 

Dr. H. " Der diamond I haf stole ! I crepdt int to der 
tint, unt picked it off der chist off" Mr. Munchener ! I vill bury 
it heare, Ha ! dis remindt's me of der time vhen I vould creep 
aboud der capitol of Jermany, Saint Louis, mit a fearful bologna 
sausage in von handt und a jimmy of Switzer Cheese int der 
Oder, und springing upon der defenceless logar beer, vould drag 
ett to der ground ! " 

(He looks up, sees someone approaching, hastily buries the 
diamond, and slips behind palm-tree, but watches). 

(Enter Mrs. S. L. and at the same time the Mullah R.) 

Mrs. S. " Was ever maiden so distraught ! Ah, there he 
is, so handsome and so brave ! " 

(Throws herself upon the Mullah who struggles violently). 

Mullah. " Help I Help ! Another plot ! Help ! " 

Mrs. S. " Bennie ! Its me, its me ! " 

Mullah. "Me! who's me I Help! Munchener! Mun- 
chener ! " 



22 

Dr. H. " Two steins, unt bring 'em quivck ! " 

Mrs. S. "' Bennie ! don't you know your little Honie ? " 

Mullah (taking her hands and swinging them). " Oh, how 
you scared Bennie ! He thought it was little Mary McClam ! 
Feel how heart's beating rag time." 

Mrs. S. " Why it leaps like a kangaroo ! But now Bennie, 
you must go, I need you not, in twenty minutes I will give you 
your answer ! " 

Mullah. '' You'll persuade Alonzo won't you, just to spite 
Mary ? She just so suspicious, to-night ! " 

Mrs. S. " Mary ! " 

Mullah. " Yes, told her I was going to a little impromptu 
Club. She said there were some around home I might get to 
know ! Mary's so playful ! " 

Mrs. S. " The wretch, I will soon show her her position ! " 

Mullah. " Apple of my eye, you are a peach ! " 

Mrs. S. " Ah, you alone understand my complex soul ! " 

Mullah. "Well, father you know, was a shoemaker for 
some time!" 

Dr. H. " Und speaking off shoemakers, I hope dat iss der 
last!" 

Mrs. S. " Ah no ! Do not embrace me. First I must con- 
sult Alonzo, (looking upward). Deary, do you mind ? " (W. 
groans). 

Dr. H. (loudly). " He says, vire avay, only vor Heafen's 
sake be done mid id." 

Mrs. S. " Hark ! did you hear that, Alonzo I " 

M. " Alonzo ! " 

Mrs. S. " Yes ; his very voice a trifle hoarse." 

Dr. H. " Ett vas coldt mit noddings but clouds on." 

Mrs. S. " Deary, don't they give you anything warm to 
wear ? " 

Dr. H. " You vas mistook ; you vas mistook. You vas 
tinking off der vinter resort down pelow." 

M. (trembling). " You don't need me, Tootsie ? Your 
own Bennie will protect you from intruders out side." 

Mrs. S. " Alonzo ! " (Silence). " Ah, well, I'll try again ; 
meanwhile I'll rest my weary limbs upon this bit of ancient 
ruin ! " 

(Sits on W., who raises head, looks curiously at her, but 
relapses). 



23 

Mrs. S. " Yes, there is an odor of sanctity here, Alonzo ! 
In the sacred name of John Dowie, I invoke thee ! " 

Dr. H. "Veil?" 

Mrs. S. " Tell me, tell me ; can I marry my Mullah, or 
not?" 

Dr. H. " Py gracious, yes ; only hurry op ; I haf a date 
mit George Vashington at ten ! " 

(Silence). 

Mrs. S. " Alonzo ! " 

(Silence). 

Mrs. S. "He has gone!" 

(Waters groans and gurgles) : " No, he is here ; I hear the 
spirits working ! " 

(Waters groans). 

Mrs. S. (sweetly). "Calling me, dearest?" 

Dr. H. '' Veil, py gracious ; iss dat voman still here ? All 
righdt, Mr. Bismarck, I vill see you shortly ; goot py, goot py. 
VeU?" 

W. (raises head and looks at Mrs. S.). " 'Eavens ! Farver ! 
'Elp ! 'elp ! " (Staggers to feet and exit madly). '' Hi knew hi 
'ad 'em ; hi knew hi 'ad 'em ! " 

Mrs. S. " The mountains move, the ruins run. What 
manifestation is this ? Dowie ! Alonzo ! " (Dr. Henglecoper 
rushes to flies, but is seized by Pro. D., who is just entering). 

Pro. D. " Trapped, villain ! " 

Mrs. S. "Ah! ah! ah!" 

(Noise in wings. Enter all except Van T. and Muley. 
Some bearing torches. Lights up.) 

Cho. "What's this? What's this?" ) ^ f • 

Dr. H. " Vhat's vhat ? Vhat's vhat ? " ) ^^^t^^^' 

Mullah. " Why all this noise ? What crime haa been 
committed ? " 

Pro. D. " Some evil ; but what, I do not know." 

(Enter Muley hastily, R.) 

Muley. " My Lord, the Diamond's gone! " 

Mullah. " The hel-the what ! " 

Muley. " It was purloined as I slept — I found this at the 
entrance of the tent ! " (Exhibits monocle). 

Doris. " Twiggs Twiddicums ! " 

Pro. S. " No, no, your Majesty. I know now, that German 
took it." 



24 

Dr. V. " Me'sen? Vhy vhat a redeculos ment." 

Mullah. " We'll arrest 'em both. Bring the other dog 
here." 

(Exit two blacks 2 R. E.) 

Mullah. " I'll boil him in hot oil — I'll — I won't speak to 
him again this evening ! That's all ! " 

(Enter blacks dragging Van T. 2 E. E.) 

Van T. " I say ye know, this makes me beastly dormouse ! " 

Dr. H. " Vere criminals ! Vere criminals ! Oh, my ain't 
it nize ? " 

(Innocently) " What for did you stole der diamondt ? " 

Mullah. " Seize that other villain." (Four blacks seize 
Dr. H. They struggle). 

Dr. H. " Varevell to Violet." (Violet rushes on stage. Dr. 
H. breaks loose and embraces her). 

Mullah. " Come, we will to bed ; 'tis late ; these rogues in 
chains ; we'll examine them anon, and to-morrow all must 
come to the wedding of my son." 

A. S. " Wait ; I don't think there will be a wedding, 
governor. I'm going to marry Doris, only later." 

(Casts triumphant look at Van T.). 

Mullah. "What?" 

Doris. " That all depends." 

S. G. " They don't count me at all." 

Mullah. " This is the limit." (Falls into Muley's arms). 

A. S. " What ails the governor ? " 

Muley. " Apoplexy, sire — and hearken 'till he recovers, 
you are regent of Miasmia." 

A. S. " Regent ! Bully I We'll make another kingdom of 
the place. We'll start in now — a thousand automobiles, please, 
from Aden." 

Curtain. 



ACT II. 

Scene 1. — (Interior of large tent, entrances rear centre, 1 
left and 1 right, curtain up, disclosing dark stage, light of cigar- 
ettes visible). 

(Opening Chorus). 

(End of chorus lights up, discovering women, guards and 
Muley Munchener sitting cross-legged on divans). 

Muley. "Haste! Throw those cigarettes away — should 
the Prince see women smoking he'd think he was at a New York 
party ! " 

(Cho. "Hold up hands in horror.") 

Muley. " By the beard of the prophet, he thinks so already, 
never have I seen such doings— last night it sounded like a 
Saengerfest with the singing left out ! " " The old Mullah was 
bad enough, but he was a pink peony compared to this ! " 

(Singing without). 

(Repeat last part of opening chorus). 

(Enter warriors — enter A. S. briskly). 

Chorus. " Hail ! Hail, the Prince ! " 

A. S. (aside). "Hail? Humph! A nice way to begin a 
reign I " 

(Goes over to raised divan). 

" Muley. " And your Grace is feeling well?" 

A. S. " Oh, very cosy, thank you, very cosy indeed." 

Muley (aside). " It's a wonder (aloud) they're a few for- 
malities, your Grace, to be gone through with, incident to your 
becoming regent, and " 

A. S. " Let's cut 'em out ! What with the automobiles 
I've ordered, and the telephone men, and the plumbers all over 
the tents, I'm so busy I don't " 

Muley (resignedly). " As your Grace says." 

A. S. (angrily). " You bet, it's as your Grace says! I've 
got lots of father's nature in me still, and don't you forget it ! 
Where are my guests ? " 

Muley. " Watching the royal dancers in the tent next but 
two." 

A. S. Well, fetch 'em here ; what do they think the royal 
tent is — a side show ? Fetch 'em, quick I " 

(Starts for Muley, who dodges and escapes rear). 



A. S. (returning to divan). " Ah, this life is too busy for 
me ! My lot was to be a troubador, and silken clad, to twang 
my love I (To Chorus) did you catch that ? Twang my love? 
When I get off good things like that, say capital remark ! What 
are you here for ? " 

Chorus (vacantly) " Capital remark." 

A. S. " If I ever drink any more of those Rosevelt cock- 
tails ! They're the most strenuous things I ever tasted. I've 
the most fuzz-wuzzy feeling ; I am an ass — " 

Chorus (vacantly). " Capital remark." 

A. S. " What! Out of my sight, base minions ; back, back 
to Dr. Woodbury and get yourselves remodelled ! " 

(Exit Chorus, singing). 

A. S. (sinking back on divan). " This mixing idioms is 
awful ; I hope the governor stays sick till I get my hand well in, 
I'll practice regal methods. I guess pop's eyes will pop when 
he sees his kingdom ! " 

(Enter R. Muley, sidles fearfully all around the stage, 
finally daring to approach A. S. and salaam). 

(Enter J. G. and Pro. D., laughing and talking, followed by 
Waters). 

A. S. " Well, how did you like the dancing? " 

J. G. "Splendid! Splendid! The large blonde person 
with the hare-lip was graceful as a bunny, and the little thing I 
She was active as a kitten ; why, three times there — " 

Waters. " H'l must say, h'a beggin h'of your majesty's 
pardon, h'it was th' finest Hoki Poki dancin' ever I — " 

A. S. '' We are glad you liked it. They are the only troupe 
in Arabia. Papa was forced to import them from the Pan- 
American ! " 

J. G. (aside). " Isn't he getting regal ? " 

Pro. D. " I must-er-admit " 

J. G. " Hush ! We'll have no confessions here ! " 

Pro. D. " I was about er-to say-er-it reminded me of the 
classic description of TuUano's dance." 

J. G. (disgustedly). " Why bunny had Tul lashed to the 
mast." 

Waters. " Ha I Your majesty, beggin' once h'again of your 
pardin, h'it h'is a dream, h'a beautegous dream — h'ani h'l bold 
to speak ? " 

A. S. " Proceed, my man ; what is a dream ? (aside) I'm 
sure he means me." 



Waters. Everytink your majesty, h'everytink — h'it do re- 
mind me h'of the books h'l read when h'l was a lad — ow Jack 
Shepard ; h'amarried h'of a countess, saying to *er cruel faver, 
back h'in 'oly h'idiot h'on' and your 'andsome h'offspring! " 

J. G. " He's going to sing, I know he's going to sing ! " 

No. 2. " Dime novels ! " (Waters and chorus who stroll on 
during chorus). 

A. S. "Umm ! Very good — I'd just like little Nick Carter 
to come out here for awhile to find the diamond, and to tell me 
what I'm to do with these people. I ordered 'em out of the tent 
ten minutes ago, and here they're all back again ; (to chorus) 
turn around ! Keep your backs to me in future ; I must have 
privacy." 

Chorus obeys. Enter Mrs. S., rear. 

Waters (formally). " ' Er Grace of Pompadore ! 'er 'air done 
dififerent!" 

J. G. " Waters has a perfect passion for announcing people." 

Mrs. S. courtesying before A. S. " Sire, I come to report 
on your father's condition." 

A. S. " Father's condition ? Well, tell him he's had two 
trials already, and after this it will cost him five dollars a shot." 

Mrs. S. " He is still, sire, very low ; but with faith I hope 
to cure him." 

A. S. " Whose faith, another wife ? " 

Mrs. S. " His one sign of recovery is a penchant for peach 
jam. I am light-hearted from grief." 

Pro. D. " Faithful Sponge ! She changes not a hairs- 
breadth." 

Mrs. S. "Sponge now; but soon, soon to be Sd — Mrs. 
Sd ! What a joyful name. I will back to pray, to pray and 
send telegraph dispatches to John Dowie." [Exit.] 

A. S. " Well, don't let him use any rough language over 
the telephone, or it'll be taken out." 

A. S. (arising). " Well, who's on for a game of ping-pong ? 
Don't let's make it very rough." 

Muley. " Sire, is this the way you assume the responsibili- 
ties of a kingdom? There is one thing absolutely imperative." 

A.S. " And that's— ?" 

Muley. " To meet your wives." 

A.S. "My, er- what?" 



Muley. " Your wives by law ; they are yours till your 
father recovers. Of course they are but supernumeraries; you 
can have but one Sultana, Lady Ithel." 

A. S. (weakly). " And this is home ! " 

J. G. " Some are born to matrimony, and some have mat- 
rimony thrust upon 'em." 

(Chorus women come forward in a row). 

Muley. " This is Fat— ima." 

J. G. (aside). '' I should think she was! " 

Muley. ''This little Pearly Pink Eyes, and this Mame, the 
Brute — strong as an ox ; very good for house-work-Mame ; step 
forth — and this — 

A. S. "Don't, don't! Is this an Ella Wheeler. Wilcox 
poem? 

Muley (showing large person). "And this, Jessie the Gi- 
antess ; fifteen on her last birthday ! " 

Waters (aside). " H'o h'a prevarication ! " 

Muley. " Has but one fault, gastromoniac — mad on the 
subject of food. Caught her this morning eating three family 
photographs, half a dozen tennis balls, and the daily menu from 
the Court Journal." 

(Jessie immediately swallows three ping-pong-balls). 

A. S. " This is one too many ! " 

J. G. " One two many ! Sixty-five too many ! I should say." 

Muley. " Then sire, your principal wives, — Lotus, Iris, 
and Mary McClam ! " 

A. S. " Principal, well if this is a matter of principal 
count me out ! " 

(Starts to go). 

Muley. " Just one thing before you go, it is absolutely 
necessary you make a proclamation!" 

A. S. " A proclamation I Well; just watch little Teddy 
Rosevelt get back at 'em 1 " 

(Mounts divan). 

A. S. " To our loyal subjects this, Greetings ** 

Chorus. " Capital remark!" 

A. S. " Shut up ! " 

Chorus. " Capital remark 1 " 

A. S. " The next man that says that is going to have his 
false teeth taken away from him — ! " " Greetings, to all it con- 
cerns O Yez! Yez! O YezI We, Awfuli Sad the Ist, are 



going to change this kingdom from a jerk-water, badly run, 
soft coal milk-train, to a vestibuled flyer, with maids in the 
observation car ! Stop ! Look ! and Listen ! Sensible cos- 
tumes are being made by the tailors, golf links are being put 
in order, home tee great grandfather's pyramid, and the first 
man I catch refusing a drink, will be locked up. This is the 
twentieth century ! " 

Chorus. (Angrily) " Break the laws of Mahemt, never ! *' 

A. S. " What ! Muley, take 'em outside and force claret 
lemonade down their throats I " 

(Exeunt chorus, Muley, Pro. D. and Waters. A. S. falls 
back on divan and J. G. sits beside him). 

A. S. '^ This ruling a kingdom is no joke !" 

J. G. " Oh, I've seen worse ones ! You'll have your hands 
fu.l with Jessie, strong face she had ! " 

A. S. " Hump ! A regular Camembert countenance ! 
Wives ! Wives ! I feel like a Dakota divorce court ! I'll pack 'em 
off, — pack 'em off, every one of 'em, and mary Doris ! " 

J. G. " Umm ! She may feel some natural pride at being 
only the sixty-ninth, or is it the seventieth ? " 

A. S. " Oh, Doris, Doris, if you only knew how I loved 
you ! " 

J. G. " Wouldn't she titter ! " 

A. S. '' I'll win her, willy, nilly, — there, that's father's 
nature speaking ! " 

(Tremendous crashing, right). 

A. S. " Gracious ! What's that ? " 

J. G. " I should say Jessie was eating breakfast, or saying 
her prayers, or something like that ! " 

(Enter Muley, rear, slides and slips around stage, and 
finally falls). 

A. S. '* Oh, do get up! My nerves are in no condition to 
have people doing that ! What do you think you are, — a 
butter ball ? " 

Muley. " Sire, your father is just awakened and is asking 
for you, he's heard your proclamation ! " 

A. S. (Smiling feebly) " Ya-er-er-angry ? " 

Muley. " Angry 1 He's broken everything in the tent, 
now he's biting pieces out of his scimiter, and Mrs. Sponge is 
sitting on his chest to keep him quiet, and she's going up and 
down like a rubber ball 1 " 



A. S. " Pop always was chesty ! " 

(Exeunt Muley and A. S.) 

J. G. " So he's going to win Doris ! I think not ! He's 
getting dangerous though ! Scratch a Russian ! My, he makes 
me tired, — if he stayed here a Httle longer he would have put 
me to sleep ! " 

(Yawns, and curls up on divan, asleep). 

(In the middle of monologue, Dr. H. has appeared at right 
wing, clad in stripes, with ball and chain — now enters). 

Dr. H. " Ha, I haf eggscoped by an underjaw trick ! I bitted 
der key hole — et vos lockjaw and eggciting for my teeth ! 
(beckoning) quick ! Der is nopody here bud der watchman 
und he is asleeb ! " 

(Enter Van T. He is constantly getting entangled with his 
chain, he is followed by Violet, who has on a pair of little 
striped pants). 

Dr. H. " Ha ! Dat prison vas a skinch ! " 

Van T. "I think we're barred from good society, and 

that's all ! " 

3. " We're criminals " ! (Dr. H., Van T. and Violet). 

(J. G. breathes heavily). 

Van T. " We are watched ! " 

Dr. H. " Vatched ! Ett zounds mit me like an alarm- 
clock ! Shall ve stole vorvarts, or shall ve stole backvorts? " 

Van T. " I say, ye know, keep on stealing this way, 

old offenders ! " 

Dr. H. '' I vould radder be a criminal any day dan a 
millionaire, ett was less dishonest ! " 

Van T. *' Most of them both ! All my friends are ! Sailed 
on yacht last summer, — cook a poisoner, host habitual drunkard, 
hostess pick- pocket — played bridge — let's come on I " 

Dr. H. " I can't, der ball on my foot hurts ! I vill see if 
he sleeb ! his breadt comes in pants — no ett has stobbed — ha, 
ett vas checked pants ! " 

Van T. " Aw, come. — Spike snag, the ticker, hit der bloke 
wit yer jimmy — I'll mind der swag ! " 

Dr. H. " My Gootness ! Vhat a rude talker he is 1 '* 

Van T. " Quite the thing I Smart to do it ! Copied after 
Duchess of Fiddleback, smartest peeress in England — features 
straight, language crooked, red nose, husband dead, lucky hus- 
band, and — that's all I " 



Dr. H. " My, my, don't he sleeb nice — he vill haf night- 
mare mit all dat vatch undt chain on his stomach ! " 

Van T. " Hush ! Someone comin — let's hide ! 

Dr. H. (aside). "Ain't he egscitable ! (loud) Vhere? 
Vhere ? Ve haf awakened der door-knob. I heare ett turning 
in ett's sleeb ! " 

Van T. " Under rug ! You will be a hassock ! " 

Dr. H. "Avhat?" 

VanT. "A hassock!" 

Dr. H. "I will nod — it zounds undecent ! " 

Van T. " Everything is that you don't care for, and — that's 
all." 

(Van T. crosses over Dr. H,'s chain and becomes entangled). 

Dr. H. " Led go me — my, I vill keek you int der comer 
off your moud ! " 

Van T. " Awfully savage." 

Dr. H. " I vill be a ball-dog und bidt at you." 

Van T. " You can't ; you're chained." 

Dr. H. (diving under rug). " Den I vill die und be a skye 
terrier." 

(They are both under rugs at left, on hands and knees. Vio- 
let burrows also.) 

Dr. (in muffled tones). " Twviddlea ! " 

VanT. "Well?" 

Dr. H. "I would radder be a stool-pigeon dan a hassock I " 

(Silence). 

Dr. H. "Twviddles?" 

VanT. "Yes." 

Dr. H. " Twviddles, led us preak, und by der kitchen vay 
I tink I heare roast beef boiling." 

Van T. " Ah 1 " 

Dr. H. " Und pumpernickel, und delicatessen, und liddle 
pickles." 

(Violet, covered by rug, makes wild dash for L. wing, fol- 
lowed by Dr. H. and Van T. Gatacre starts up). 

J. G. " I could have sworn somebody was here. (Feels 
for watch). Gone ! I've been robbed ! " 

(Runs out R. Enter rear Doris, she in Turkish costume) 

Dor. " Now I wonder what this place is ? It's like a 
second-hand edition of the Arabian Nights, or a marked-down 
Turkish corner. I think everybody's been awfully pleasant to 



8 

me ; I haven't seen a soul since yesterday ; but that moon-sick 
Prince, — that little Navy boy hates me, I'm sure, and — and do 
you know, I think I'm getting to like him. Ah, but what's 
the use, when you can't afford luxuries ? I'm like the poor little 
paper-doll maid, with just enough money not to be able to do 
what I want." 

4. Solo. " Poor Little Paper-Doll Maid ! " 

(As Doris exits K. she runs into J. G., entering with bent 
head). 

J. G. (muttering). "You see, Watson, the hound — (seeing 
Doris). Ah, ha ! Found houndrel ! " 

Dor. "He's mad!" 

J. G. " Oh, Miss Dodlebat — Doris — a thousand pardons — 
you see, I've lost — " 

Dor. " Your mind ? 

J. G. " No, my heart." 

Dor. " Come, let me help you hunt for it." 

J. G. " Now, see here. Dor ! " 

Dor. " I beg you not to call me Dor, Mr. Gatacre ! " 

J. G. " Well, window of my soul, then ; I know I'm only 
a poor Lieutenant of Marines, but don't you think its wrong to 
keep me out this way in the blizzard all the time ? " 

Dor. " Well, you're evidently hunting for a s-no." 

J. G. " You jest when my heart is breaking." 

(Enter R., cautiously, on hands and knees. Dr. H. and Van 
T. still under rugs — hear Doris and J. G. and become immov- 
able). 

Dor. (looking down at dress). " How do you like it ? " 

J. G. Like what?" 

Dor. "This."^ 

J. G. " Oh, very nice — what is it — an Aiken hunting cos- 
tume?" 

Dor. " Its becoming." 

J. G. " I hope some more is — if that's all the costume) 
there isn't much to it, Doris." 

Dor. " Thanks. But really — this calling me by my first 
name — " 

J. G. " Oh, always do it — breaks the ice so nicely — partic- 
ularly in Boston— ice up there dreadful, you know — called on 
one girl — called her Gwendy-GwendoHne Emerson — broke ice 
beautifully — in three minutes I know everybody in the house — 
it took them all to throw me out." 



Dor. (coldly). " I'm going, Mr. Gatacre." 

J. G. " Don't, Doris ; I'll be good." 

Dor. (turning to go). " I won't stay to be — " 

(Sees the two Hassocks standing in doorway). 

Dor. " Why !— " 

(Hassock moves — Doris gazes at it fixedly). 

J. G. " Doris ! What's the matter ? Sick ? " 

Dor. (wearily). " I — I think the strain of the last two days 
has been too much for me — don't pay any attention to it." 

(Starts to turn away. Hassock moves again). 

Dor. (feebly). " I— I— " 

J. G- " Yes — er-er-room does go round a bit, doesn't it ? " 

(Hassock begins to crawl towards her ; Dor. retreats warily ; 
J. G. follows). 

J. G. " I wonder if it's hereditary." 

(Sees hassocks, begins to slowly pass his hand in front of 
face). ^ 

J. G. "Hush! It's alive!" 

(Other hassock begins to move). 

J. G. " Quick ! Jump on the divans, — they'll be at it, too, 
in a minute. (Weakly), did you like that punch last night ? I 
guess we're done." 

(They sit down, hand in hand, on the floor). 

J. G. (hoarse whisper). " If I see a pink katy-did after me 
in two seconds, don't try to dissuade me ; its— its my pet super- 
stition." 

(Hassock approaches and springs). 

Dor. (Flinging arms about J. G.) " Help ! Jack, help I " 

Dr. H. (disclosing). " Ha ! it vas me und my liddle goke — 
dis is my liddle goke." 

(As Van T. discloses himself). 

J. G. (weakly). " Why, its only little Reddy Rippletongue, 
good as a temperance lecture." 

Dor. " What are you doing here, Professor Henglecooper ? 
Is this dignified ? " 

Dr. H. "Ett vas nod— ett vas a jail-burd named Twiddi- 



cums." 



Van T. " I'm escaped and— that's all." 

J. G. " Well, you can't stay here— you'll be caught in a 
minute; why don't you give up the diamond, Twiddicums?" 

Van T. " Haven't got it; wish I had; mind set on jewels ; 
pretty setting ; fancy." 



10 

Dr. H. " My, my ; he spends days und days making does 
up." 

Dor. " Listen ! Quick, you must hide ! I hear the Prince's 
voice." 

Dr. H. " I vill nod be a hassock. I vould radder die." 

J. G. " Dye then, and be a chorus girl ! " 

Van T. " Doris — do anything for you— not rug again ! " 

Dor. '' Hide ! Afterwards we will devise a plan for your 
escape ! " 

Dr. H. " Oh, vhat a sadt life vor an elderly chentlemon 
midt children ! " 

Van T. "Doris don't love me — awfully desperate — do 
something rash — mad — think I'll go and get a whiskey sour!" 

(They dive under tent L. as A. S. enters rear). 

A. S. " Ah, here you are ! You've made an addition to 
the crowd since I've been away ! " 

J. G. " Come right in ! Come right in, you don't intrude 
abitl" 

A. S. (Haughtily) " There is no place where I can intrude 
in Miasmia." 

J. G. " Are you as unpopular as all that ? " 

Dor. " If there's ^.' to be a fight won't you please wait till I 
get out." 

A. S. " There will be no fight, Miss Dodlebat, but it were 
well for commoners to realize that where the hearts of royalty 
are involved even diamonds are at a discount ! " 

J. G. (Conversationally) " That was a good book wasn't it? " 

A. S. " Insolent ! I've been a friend of yours, but by my 
halidom, balk me now and you lose your think tank ! " 

J. G. "Come, Dorothea, the person has been drinking! " 

Dor. " Wait ! I like the way he proposes, — its original, 
perhaps I'll marry him — men have been accepted for less than 
that!" 

J. G. " Marry him ! Oh, well, I daresay you'll have to I " 

Dor. "Have to!" 

J. G. " Yes, you gathered he was going to force you to ? " 

Dor. (Suddenly) " Oh, John, how I love you ! " 
(Exeunt R.) 

A. S. " Ha! he has scored once, but he never will again, 
it would take a Poe to do that ! I'll give her half a day to make 
her mind up and then with or against her will I'll marry her! " 



11 

(Enter, rear, Muley). 

A. S. "That man's getting on my brain, — well? " 

Muley. " Sire, the prisoners have escaped ! " 

A. S. " Which prisoners ? " 

Muley. " There have only been two in jail since I have 
been here, thirty years ! " 

A. S. " Well, have you notified the police ? " 

Muley. " I have, — they're making a tent to tent search — 
they found this in the jail." (Hands note to Awfuli). 

A. S. " Hum ! Drat this German dialect, he even writes 
it! " (reads) " Mine dear freindt und choice punch ofi" royality ! 
Peware ! Peware ! Me und der vild violet camel und Twiddi- 
cums der Ripper, is loose und preying ont der town — pray for 
us — " ah, listen to this ! " — if you is still inmigled mit der chort, 
dark-complected lady, mit der light hair, und tall figure vich has 
a name mit D., I vill help you vin it, condition you sign some 
babers, der lady in question vill metted up mit you at der royal 
peanut standt quarter after tree, mit der babers, she vill vear 
Turkish coffee und a pair of bunchy bantaloons — if you in agree- 
ment iss, leave ledder at der ink veil vhere der vomen draw 
vater ! Yours, der Flying Dutchman ! " 

A. S. Do you think there's anything in it ? " 

Muley. " I don't know sire, the prison is not over clean, 
but—." 

A. S. " Ass, I mean is there any truth in it I " 

Muley. He may have influence with the lady." 

A. S. " Well it's a chance — I'd rather win her by tender- 
ness than force — let's see — three fifteen — we have a half an hour — 
leave a note at the well, and see if you can catch the German 
when he gets it ! " (Exit Muley). 

A. S. " Ah, at last a chance to show my true self, — no 
longer Awfuli Sad the tyrant — but Awfuli Sad the lover — a 
nightingale singing to his inamorata and I fancy it won't take 
much singing — all she needs one good, long look at me ! " 

(Exit L. Sound of singing without — enter, rear, Mullah, 
supported by the four blacks and fanned by Mrs. S. with a hand- 
kerchief, followed by warriors). 

March the Mullah of Miasmia. 

Mullah (To Mrs. S.) "Hear that? Every one of 'em 
would kill me if they could (feebly). Gr-r-r 1 " 
(Chorus pays no heed). 



12 

Mullah. " See, can't grrr the way I did ! " 

Mrs. S. " Surely they don't hate tootsie, as much as tootsie 
thinks they do ? " 

Mullah. " You bet your life, they hate tootsie! Why do 
you know what's been the matter with him ? " 

Mrs. S. " Apoplexy, and rage at his son ? " 

Mullah. " Apoplexy ! Pooh ! Yesterday Mary McClam 
made fudge." 

Mrs. S. "Well?" 

Mullah. " Hump ! Isn't that enough ! " 

Mrs. S. " Surely she had no evil intentions ? " 

Mullah. " Mary McClam never makes fudge without evil 
intentions ! " (Roaring) " Where's the Prince ? (Aside) Some- 
thing like my old form ! (Aloud) can't find him ? Well the 
next one that sees him tell him this, — I at great risk have risen 
from my bed, Munyon told me not to? " 

Chorus. " What Munyon ? " 

Mullah. " Yes, Munyon ! " 

Chorus. " Then there is hope ! " 

Mullah. I've risen to tell him I'll stand for the telephones 
and I'll stand for the electric lights, but I'm too old a horse to 
stand for the automobiles — it's a little bit too bad — that boy 
knows I'm a member of the Gentlemen's Roaddrivers Association 
of Southern Arabia ! " 

Mrs. S. " Tootsie will tire himself! " 

Mullah. " Tootsie won't. Where my wives ? Where my 
wives " ? (Leans towards slave, who whispers). 

Mullah. (Puzzled) " I had sixty-five this time yesterday 
(whispers) joyfully, "Who killed 'em?" (whispers) sadly not 
dead? (Whispers, begins to chuckle) " Oh, ah, — ho — ho — well 
well. Oh dear — , Oh don't — don't— don't touch me — I — I — I'll 
die— I know I'll die ! ! ! " 

Mrs. S. " Die ? No ! No, Bennie ! " 

Mullah. " Oh it's too good to keep — too good to keep — 
why — ha— ha — just reminded— don't — don't— Oh — the regent 
by law has all his predecessor's wives until the other wants 'em 
back and I never will ! " 

Mrs. S. "Well?" 

Mullah (Explosively). " Awfuli's married to all his step- 
mothers for keeps — sixty-five, oh — come I've got to roll — or I'll 
die — I know I'll die— I— I'm just tickled to death ! " 



13 

(Exeunt all roaring with laughter). 

(Enter L. Violet still in stripes, she peers anxiously about, 
then beckons with foot, enter in lock stepping high, Pro. D., 
Dr. H., Van T. and Waters). 

Pro. D. ''Hush!" 

Dr. H. *'Hush!" 

All. " Hush ! Hush ! Hush ! " 

(They stand facing about). 

All. " We are betrayed ! " 

Pro. D. " I hear a crowd ! " 

Dr. H. " No, it vas merely a door-jam ! " 

Pro. D. " To business then ! " 

Dr.H. ",Ihaf a scheme!" 

All. " And so have I ! " 

Dr, H. " My, my, ain't der poys like der steel trust! " 

Pro. D. " Proceed ! " 

Dr. H. " Veil pay quick attention ind I vill be as slow as 
possible, help me und Twiddles to escope und Twiddles vill der 
diamont divide vhich he haf stole, und give you each a qvater 
(aside) off a dollar ! " Heare iss Violet iss not ! Veil ad six 
meeted me at der carpenter shop ! " 

Van T. " To have a board meeting, and — that's all!" 

Dr. H. " No, mine dear friendt mit der ingrowing mindt, 
to egscope upon der back off Violet ! " 

Van T. " Four men — one camel — fancy ! " 

Dr. H. " Violet iss as strengthfulness as der pillewink vich 
iss der strengest ting iss, ain't you Violet ? " 

(Violet nods assent). 

Pro. D. " Er— hem — rather a clever plan — should it suc- 
ceed in two days we will be at the American Caravansary at 
Aden, with our feet on the gilded dispensory, masticating 
tooth-picks ! " 

Dr. H. "Ain't I der busy little planer, yes ? Oh I'll pe 
bresident of Cuba py and py ! " 

6. Quartette. " He'll be president of Cuba by and by ! " 

Dr. H. " I haf annoder fire der iron in, vich I vill seddle 
mit AwfuH int twenty minutes, j)erhaps eggsco})ement vill nod 
be necessary, meeted me heare in two qvaters off an hour und I 
vill tell you how ett didn't, yes ? " 

Pro. D. " Er — whatever you devise I will consent to, — my 
share of the diamond will permit me to get up another expedi- 
tion for the hunt ! " 



:i4 

Dr. H. " Hunt ! Hunt vhat ? " 

Prof. D. (Testily) " Oh, of course my lost reputation, that's 
what I'm always hunting ! " 

Dr. H. " Und vill nefer, nefer find ! " 

(Starts to exit L. with Violet. Pro. D., Van T. and W. 
start to exit R.) 

Dr. H. (Peering around wing). " Int haf an hour — did 
you caughted it ? " 

AU. " We did ! " 

(Exeunt). 

Dr. H. " Veil den, I hope you caughted ett bad ! " 

(Exeunt). 

(Enter rear, A. S. looking anxiously behind). 

A. S. " Well, I think I've lost 'em — three times around 
that tent and then in here — now for a little quiet before I hold 
Court, and then see Doris, dear deluded Doris ! Lovely alliter- 
ation ! Well if this hasn't been a busy day ! Now at last a 
little quiet, a little quiet — " 

(Enter rear, Lotus, Iris, Mary and five other wives. A. S. 
starts to flee). 

A. S. " Drat those step-wives ! I can't lose 'em ! " 

Wives. Here we are ! " 

A. S. " Really? (Aside) I wish I'd never left America, — 
this would be against the law there ! " 

Wives. " Isn't Awfuli, awfally glad to see Awfuli's little 
wives and why has Awfuli been so awfully cruel? " 

A. S. "Go-on-go on-don't mind me ! " 

Wives. " Honored husband, and beloved step-son ! " 

A. S. " And this is only one of eight parties ! They come 
at me in relays ! " 

Wives. *' He doesn't love us ! " 

A. S. " You bet he don't ! " 

Wives. " He loves another I " 

A. S. " You bet he does I " 

Wives. " Let's lament I " 

A. S. (aside). " They've been doing this all day ! " 

Octette. 6. " Five and Sixty Step-Wives I " 

Wives (advancing upon A. S.). " At last 1 " 

A. S. "Backl Back!" 

(Wives seize Awfuli and bear him off struggling and crying.) 

A. S. "I won't! I won't!" 

(Exeunt rear). 



15 

(Enter R. Doris and J. G.) 

J. G. " Well, I don't see any way out of it, except to shoot 
him. He says now the wedding will be in six hours ! " 

Dor. '' Oh, there's many a slip twixt the house and the 
church, particularly when the fiance is icy ! I've been thinking 
and have a plan, I'll diguise myself as Ithel and win him ! " 

J. G. " Win him, — what do you mean ? " 

Dor. " Oh, every woman knows how to, its hard to ex- 
plain ! Listen, I'll disguise myself, I'm about Ithel's height, 
and she always wears green, — get an interview with Awfuli as 
soon as I can, make him forget the real Doris and propose to the 
unreal Ithel ! " 

J. G. " Woman proposes, man supposes, — and then !— " 

Dor. '' That will delay him until the old Mullah is well 
and even if it doesn't it will give us some time to plan escape ! " 

J. G. " And Ithel, wHl she be for it ? " 

Dor. " For it? Why she's been talking to me all day in her 
broken English about some plan to win Awfuli back ! But Jack? 
before I accept you finally, is there chance of ever getting 
married? " 

J. G. " Oh, I'll be vulgarly rich when uncle dies, but until 
then in the words of the song I am ' Totally unprepared ' I " 

Duet 7. " Unprepared ! " 

(Exeunt L. 

(Enter rear A. S.) 

A. S. " Off the scent again, this beats hare and hounds — 
well they can't catch me for a while anyway — court's due in a 
minute ! " (Sits on a divan). " I wish Muley would hurry, I 
get awfully nervous nowadays when I'm alone I " 

(Enter rear, Muley and warriors). 

Muley. " Your Graciousness is prepared to hold court ? " 

A. S. " Quite ! Ah, let me see — first, have the civilized 
clothes been made I ordered for the women ? " 

Muley. " They have, O Graciousness I " 

A. S. " Cut that Graciousness out, it sounds like 
Methodist profanity — get something new — ! " 

Muley (humbly). "They have, O Baron Cliveden of 
Tecklow I " 

A. S. "Shades of William Waldorf Astor — that's new 
enough — where did you pick that up ? " 

Muley. " In a paper, sire, I think under * Help Wanted ' I " 



16 

A. S. ''Very likely I" 

Muley. " The women approach ! " 

A. S. " Let them approach, they went land on my long 
green ! " 

(Enter women ridiculously attired in European costumes — 
Jessie conspicuous with trousers on arm). 

A. S. " For the love of— what is this ? " 

Muley. " The clothes you ordered them to wear ! " 

A. S. " I thought it was the Sorosis Club ! " 

Jessie. " Doesn't your Majesty like them ? " 

A. S. " No, your Majesty does not ! " 

Jessie. " Took me thirty minutes to put them on ! " 

A. S. " Well, it will take you less to take 'em off ! " 

Muley. " It was done without my knowledge, Your 
Majesty ! " 

A. S. " I hope it was, your old enough to know how to 
wear trousers, zounds, is this a joke?" 

Muley. " Jessie a joke ? " 

A. S. " Hardly ! that's true — be off the whole of you — if 
we find any other women wearing trousers on their arms we'll 
have 'em hung for inaugurating a dress reform ! " 

(Exit women). 

Muley. " Will your Grace now read the mail ? " 

A. S. " Mail ? " 

Muley. " Letters from your subjects — they write asking for 
advice — your great grandfather inaugurated the custom ! " 

A. S. " My, my, grandpa was careless ! Have to do this 
every morning ? " 

Muley. " Unless you do, they accumulate — the people are 
importing typewriters now ! " 

A. S. " Why don't you start a column in the Court Jour- 
nal — Miasmatic Muley to Mincing Maidens ! " 

(Four blacks bring forward salver with bunches of letters — 
Muley sits down with pad and pencil, A. S. opens letters). 

A. S. " What! I thought they were serious! Oh, this is 
wrong! (Reading) Dear Majesty: — For twenty years we have 
been keeping company, but lately a doctor has come between 
us and separated us, what shall we do ? Yours, 

The Siamese Twins." 



17 

A. S. "Umm ! now this is serious— twenty years— tut-tut, 
and not happy when they're separated! Muley, refer that to 
the insane ward ! (Picks up another note). Ah, pink paper ! 
A dear little pink paper note— I do so love pink paper — I'm 
sure its something nice ! (reading) Dear Majesty : — I'm a little 
girl only thirty-five years old, I don't like my last name and as 
I am going on the stage I must change it. Yours for keeps, 

Maggie Monkey-face. 

"Hump ! I don't wonder — answer — I'm sorry, but I'm 
not open to ofifers — I have my hands full now ! Ah, here is 
one, — ' Dear Majesty, I have liver trouble,' — refer that to the 
organ company. (Opens letter, smiles, looks foolish and laughs). 
Well — what do you think — no you can't, Dottie, either, what do 
you think I am, Lietenant Hobson ! ' " 

(Enter Mahomet.) 

Mahomet. "Your Majesty, the lady Doris wishes to see 
you." 

A. S. " The lady Doris ? I'll attend to these at another 
time — we would be alone." (Exeunt Cho.) 

A. S. " Ah, Doris, — Doris, will you tell me now that you 
love me ; if you do I'll give that German anything he wants." 

Muley. " If you love her, why don't you cut off that Amer- 
ican's head ? " 

A. S. " I hate bloodshed." 

Muley. " You are weak. Deeds of your ancestors | 
graciousness ! " 

A. S. " I don't see any need of calling up scandal." 

(Exit Muley, L). 

(Enter rear, Dr. H., disguised in green dress as Doris ; comes 
down stage and lifts veil, disclosing face to audience and drops 
it again). 

A. S. (aside.) At last ! At last ! (aloud). Ah, here you 
come awalking." 

Dr. H. (in muffled tones). " How didt you eggscopt me to 
come — ont my face ? " 

A. S. " What is the matter with your voice, love? I can- 
not hear." 

Dr. H. "Ihafacoldt." 

A. S. "Where, love?" 

Dr. H. " Eff he galls me lofe again I vill keek heem midt 
my feet int der shinkles." 



18 

A. S. "How sweet to hear your dulcet tones again! " 

Dr. H. " My, my, don't he do it nice ! " 

A. S. " Come closer, dear." 

Dr. H. " You bet it vill be dear eff I come closer." 

A. S. (Puts arm around him and they sway backwards 
and forwards). 

Dr. H. "Steb!" 

A. S. "What?" 

Dr. H. "Steb ont my feet und vind oudt. My, my, how 
der veil tickles my beard ; ett makes me laugh at der endt of my 
nose." (Puffs veils.) 

A. S. " You ran here ; you're breathing hard, Little Eager- 
ness. 

Dr. H. " Vhat didt you gall me ? " 

A. S. "Little Eagerness." 

Dr. H. "Veil, be careful." 

A. S. " You're pettish. Light of Asia." 

Dr. H. " Vhat for you gall me Light of Asia ? Vhat you 
tink I am, der gas trust? " 

A. S. " Lift your veil. Let me see your sparkHng eyes." 

(Dr. H. snaps eyes.) " Your pearly teeth — " 

Dr. H. " Dey vas only plated." 

A. S. " Your rounded chin — " 

Dr. H. " I toldt dat barber to cut ett square." 

A. S. "Ah, lift your veil." 

Dr. H. " Ett vas sworn on, und eff you dake ett off der 
vill be vorse swearing still." 
sawitig ; led us change feet." 

A. S. " Ah, you are still unkind, and yet how kind, — do 
you know for a while there I thought you loved that Gatacre ? " 

Dr. H. " Yes, ain't I der sweet Hddle is it ? " 

A. S. "Is it! What's that?" 

Dr. H. " Der opposite off ain't, und how should I know ?" 

A. S. " Are you sure you love me? " 

Dr. H. " Oh, Villie, vrom der first time I efer seed you I 
vas villed like a balloon oud mid affection." 

A. S. " Tell me something of your life, sweetheart." 

Dr. H. " Off mine life ? Oh, Villy, vhat a qvestion I You're 
too young ; no, no — den hear de vorst. I vas born in Brooklyn." 

A. S. (protesting). " No ! " 

Dr. H. " Yes ; ve ver nod as rich as our cousins, der Gold- 
teethds, so mudder took in vashing and fader took in beer." 



19 

A. S. '*Yes?" 

Dr. H. " Bud der coal strike struck mudder hard ; vhen der 
price of coal vhent up, mudder vhent down und oudt." 

A. S. " But, dearest, I thought your father was a Profes- 
sor." 

Dr. H. " He vas until der detectives caughted him. He 
made a great deal off money at it." 

A. S. " But I interrupt your story ; tell me more." 

Dr. H. " Und den vhen mudder vas down und oudt, dey 
counted ten, und der decision vas gifen to fadder ; und mudder, 
mudder, (pointing with finger and stepping forward) — gone ! 
Gone ! Gone ! Gone ! " 

A. S. (seizing Dr. H.'s wrist). " Yes ; where? " 

Dr. H. (angrily). " My gracious ! you would spoil any 
story. Mudder vhent — dat's all." 

(After a pause) Dr. H. " Villy." 

A. S. "Yes." 

Dr. H. " Villy, haf you got dar stub off a pencil int your 
jeans ? " 

A. S. "Yes." 

Dr. H. " Veil den excavateted unt write vhat a toldt you." 

(A. S. takes paper and pencil from pocket). 

Dr. H. " Der Great Sad Diamondt iss to be gifen to der 
bearer provided dis paper ess not pinched from his back pants — 
vrite ett nice, Villy, ett is vor my dear friendt Professor Hengle- 
cooper — a lofely man ! " 

(A. S. writes still swaying back and forth — gives it to Dr. H.) 

A. S. "Satisfied now?" 

(Sound of breaking again at right). 

A. S. " Father, drat him ! " 

Dr. H. " Vather must be getting veil — yes ? " 

A. S. " I must leave you for a moment, dear, I'll look out 
and see what's the matter." 

Dr. H. (Up stage). " I vill go vid you I " 

D. H. (lookiug tenderly at A. S.) " Oh Villy life mit you 
v!'.l be like an automobubble." 

A. S. " Automobile, why dearest ? " 

Dr. H. " Oh ett vill be so killing." 

(Exunt.) 

(Enter L. J. G.) 



20 

J. G. " In five minutes Doris ought to be here, disguised, — 
then to fool Awfuli, and have her at last my own ! You're a 
fortunate fellow, Gatacre, and this the luckiest land-cruise you 
ever took ! " 

(Rests one foot on divan). 

8. Solo. " Love Song." 

J. G. (Looks at watch again). "The time is up — I'll see if 
she is coming ! " 

(Exit L. — returns immediately talking earnestly to Doris 
and Ithel — enter R., same time, — Pro. D., Violet, and Waters, 
dragging along Van T., Dr. H. and A. S. rear, — they do not see 
each other, and bump in middle). 

All. " We are betrayed ! " 

A. S. " My eyes deceive me — two Dorises ! (to Van T.) 
Ha ! Trapped, you jail-bird." 

Waters (aside). "Wasn't h'l h'a saying h'as birds was 
h'awful ! " 

Dr. H. " Villy, you know vich is the real Doris." 

A. S. " I will soon see ! " 

(Snatches veil from Dr. H.) 

A. S. "Ha!" 

Dr. H. (staggering back). " Deare Heafens, I was undided ! " 

A. S. " Guards ! What, Ho, Guards ! — a trick — ofi* with 
all your heads, save you, Doris ! " (Takes Ithel's hand) 

Dr. H. "Vait a moment, vait a moment (aside) — I vill 
distracdt his mind (aloud). Villy, do you play peaknuckle ? " 

A. S. " Silence ! Let me cry. What Ho ! " 

J. G. " Oh, Ho, Ho, to your heart's content — courage Dor — 
Ithel, I mean ! " 

Dr. H. (aside). " I vailed to distracdt him — Villy is strong 
minded ! " 

A. S. " Guards ! What ho, guards 1 " 

(Enter chorus). 

Cho. " You called my Lord ? " 

Dr. H. " Sure, Villy called." 

A. S. " Arrest these people — out to the square at once — off 
with their heads ! " 

(Guards rush forward and seize Van T., J. G., Doris, Pro. 
D., Waters, etc.) 

(Crashing without, enter Mullah, rear — followed by Mrs. S.) 



21 

Mrs. S. " He would get up ! He would get up ! Oh, dear, 
dear, the shaking I have gotten — I feel hke a cottage cheese ! " 

(A. S. retires behind Muley.) 

Mullah. "What! What! What's this I hear? Who's to 
be beheaded ? " 

Muley (indicating prisoners). " These, Your Majesty, the 
regent orders it I " 

Mullah. " Regent ! There is no regent, Abel is himself again. 
What is their offence ? " 

Muley. " No one knows, but justice is justice ! " 

Mullah. " Nay, that is too modern a decision, — release 
these people, my son, step forth! (A. S. appears, terrified). Take 
the Lady Ithel's hand, to-night you wed her ! " 

Dr. H. " Villy's papa iss strong-minded too — aint ett a 
strong family ? " 

(Enter Mahomet with dispatch.) 

Mahomet. The first message over the telephone. Your 
Majesty ! " 

Mullah (reading). " Prut ! Prut ! What's this ? ' We have 
learned that at present in your country is the notorious criminal 
Hans Henglecooper, alias Dutchy, the Second Story man, 
wanted in Aden for breaking into an egg and stealing a chicken. 
Please forward him to us ! ' " 

Mullah. " So, — then you're the man who stole the 
diamond?" 

Dr. H. " How de do zur, yes indeedy, I'm der great 
kleptomanscopement der moving burglar ! " 

Mullah. " Where is the diamond ? " 

Dr. H. " Der diamond ? der paper in 1 " 

(Hands paper to Mullah.) 

Mullah. "Did you write this, Awfuli? Ah, it's just as 
well, that diamond after all is only counterfeit, the real one 
never leaves its safe ! " 

Dr. H. " Vhat? Oh, vhat's the use off vorking ? " 

Mullah. " Come here, — for your crime I'll send you back 
to Aden ! " 

Dr. H. (falling on knees). " Mercy ! Mercy I ont a moder- 
less vidow I " 

Mullah. "Very well, arise! Only for your crime I'll 
make you marry Mame the Brute! And now, Mrs. Sponge, my 
faithful nurse — at last I am in a jmsition to ask you to be my 
little weenty, weenty, sixty-seventh wife — last but not least 1 " 



22 

Mrs. S. " Yes, Bennie ! (looking upward) — for dear Alonzo 
doesn't mind ! " 

Mullah. " And now, tear down the telephones, take out the 
electric lights, and burn the automobiles ! This country of 
Miasmia will change from Topsy Turvydom to the Sleepy land 
of drowsy-head, it was!" (To A. S. and Ithel). My children, 
bless you ! " 

J. G. (stepping forward with Doris). " I guess we come 
under that head ! '* 

Final Chorus. 

Curtain. 




Hollinger Corp. 
pH8.5 



